The ancient Egyptians might seem worlds apart from us in many ways, but when it comes to fundamental human experiences like love, sex, and marriage, they were surprisingly similar. They had the same uncertainties, desires, and motivations. The only real difference lies in how they expressed and acted on these emotions.
In today’s society, sex often has commercial value and can be seen as either overdone or taboo. This perception of sex as a taboo has roots in the Victorian era, a time that was largely reacting against the more open sexual attitudes of the Georgian era. In contrast, the ancient Egyptians wouldn’t have grasped this concept of embarrassment around sex. For them, sex was as routine and essential as eating and sleeping, without any associated awkwardness or shame.
In terms of language, the Egyptians, much like us, had numerous terms for sexual intercourse. The most commonly used term was ‘nk,’ which referred to the male role in sex and was a normal part of everyday conversation. They also used a variety of euphemisms in poetry, such as ‘to unite oneself with,’ ‘to know,’ ‘spending a pleasant hour together,’ ‘entering a house,’ ‘to sleep with,’ or ‘to enjoy oneself with.’ These poetic expressions provide a fascinating insight into how sex was discussed and perceived in ancient Egyptian culture.
The art of innuendo
Just as modern English has various terms for female sexual organs, so did the ancient Egyptians. They used words like Xnmt for the uterus, iwf for flesh, kns for the pubic area, and k3t for the vulva. Some expressions were more nuanced, like keniw or ’embrace.’ For instance, a New Kingdom poem describes an intimate encounter as ‘she showed me the colour of her embrace.’ Here, ‘colour’ often served as a euphemism for skin, leading to poetic lines like ‘seeing the colour of all her limbs,’ or ‘her colour was smooth.’ Not all Egyptian poetry was subtle, though; one poem vividly describes a man’s desire to ‘charge towards her grotto,’ a metaphor whose meaning is quite clear.
This historical perspective shows that sexual language has long been a part of human culture, used not just for describing physical acts but also in insults, curses, and everyday exclamations. An example from the Old Kingdom illustrates this well. An Egyptian boatman might have said ‘Come on, you fornicator,’ as found in the tomb of Ti at Saqqara, a phrase deemed appropriate even for an eternal resting place.
Unfortunately, the only known image of a couple making love, a hieroglyphic sign in a Middle Kingdom tomb at Beni Hasan, has been worn away over time due to countless touches by tour guides and visitors. Thankfully, a 19th-century copy exists, preserving its appearance.
The depictions of sexual themes in Egyptian art, often hinting at intercourse without directly showing it, suggest that sex wasn’t always a private affair. Scenes sometimes included servants or children nearby, sometimes even on the same bed. This is supported by the architecture of ancient Egyptian homes, like those in El Lahun, Amarna, and Deir el Medina. These small, crowded houses, typically with just four rooms and a flat roof, housed extended families, including couples, their many children, unmarried relatives, and grandparents. In such cramped living conditions, finding privacy for sexual activities would have been challenging. It implies that sex was likely an activity woven into the fabric of everyday life, happening quietly or opportunistically, even with others around.
While sex was a regular aspect of everyday life in ancient Egypt, it was generally preferred within the context of marriage. Consequently, most people, often at a young age, were expected to marry. New Kingdom love poetry is a testament to this, brimming with expressions of sexual and romantic longing, and even instances of unrequited love. These poems are windows into the cultural norms of the time. For instance, one poem says, “He knows not my wish to embrace him, or he would write to my mother.” This line suggests that a young man interested in marriage had to seek permission from the girl’s mother, indicating a formal process of courtship.
Marriage itself was a simple affair. There were no religious or civil ceremonies; a woman typically moved into her husband’s house, possibly marked by a street procession and a celebration, but nothing ceremonially official.
Interestingly, there were times when the man moved into the woman’s house. One touching story tells of a man who twice attempted this, each time being rejected at the doorstep. He expresses his frustration, humorously noting that she wouldn’t even “provide clothing for his backside.” This anecdote leaves us curious about the details of their relationship. Why was he rejected? Did she have a change of heart, or did he misread their relationship? Unfortunately, the full story behind this ancient romantic misadventure remains a mystery.
Marriage Customs
For most ancient Egyptians, marriage was an informal arrangement without documentation; couples simply began living together. However, wealthier couples often created contracts detailing financial terms in case of divorce. What’s particularly fascinating are records of temporary or trial marriages. These agreements, like one stating, “You will be in my house while you are with me as a wife from today… until the first day of the fourth month…,” allowed couples to test their compatibility for a set period, known as a ‘year of eating.’
This trial period provided an easy exit strategy if the couple had no children or decided the marriage wasn’t working. Essentially, ancient Egyptian married life shared many similarities with modern times, focusing on raising a family and managing household concerns. Love, too, was a familiar experience. One New Kingdom poem captures the distraction of new love: “It makes me not act sensibly… It lets me not put on a dress, nor wrap my scarf around me.” Couples even had endearing nicknames for each other like ‘The cat-like one’ or ‘She who is hot-tempered like a leopard.’
However, not all marriages were idyllic. The medical papyri indicate that men often sought help for sexual problems in their marriages. The remedies were sometimes bizarre, involving concoctions made from dandruff of a deceased person, blood from a tick on a black dog, and other peculiar ingredients, believed to reignite a wife’s love. Men were also advised to use mixtures involving acacia seeds with honey or the foam from a stallion’s mouth for sexual potency.
Conversely, there was a significant double standard regarding medical assistance for women. It was deemed inappropriate for a woman to seek help for sexual matters. Phrases like “A wife is a wife. She should not make love. She should not have sexual intercourse,” underscore the societal expectation that a woman’s sexual activity should be solely at her husband’s initiative. This highlights a stark contrast in ancient Egyptian society’s attitudes toward male and female sexuality.
Dealing with Infidelity and Dirvoce
Marriages in ancient Egypt could end for various reasons, but the most common were childlessness and adultery. Despite societal norms suggesting that women should not seek sexual intercourse, adultery was acknowledged as a significant issue for both genders. Interestingly, the ancient texts reveal that both men and women were guilty of adultery and both could initiate divorce on these grounds. Adultery was so prevalent that it even appeared in the Book of the Dead within the ‘Negative Confession’, where the deceased professed innocence of socially unacceptable acts, including adultery. The Instruction of Ani, dating from around 1000 BC, cautions newly married men to avoid pursuing other women, advising, “hold back the hasty heart. Do not go after a woman; do not let her steal your heart.”
Yet, such warnings were not always heeded. The story of Paneb, a notorious figure from Deir el Medina, illustrates this. He was accused of multiple affairs, including one with Hunro, who herself was unfaithful to two husbands. Interestingly, despite his infidelity, Paneb’s wife Wabet did not divorce him. Another instance from the same village involves Merysekhmet, who had an affair with a servant’s wife, resulting in her pregnancy. Despite his promise to end the affair, he continued the relationship.
While adultery often led to divorce, it could also result in more severe consequences. A husband could demand harsh punishment for an adulterous wife, including mutilation or execution. However, these extreme measures were more commonly found in literary stories rather than reality. In practical terms, divorce was a simpler and more common resolution to marital issues arising from infidelity in ancient Egyptian society.
Divorce in ancient Egypt was as straightforward as marriage. A man could end his marriage by declaring, ‘I throw you out,’ while a woman could say, ‘I am leaving,’ or either spouse could state, ‘I divorce you.’ The process was uncomplicated, typically involving the woman leaving her husband’s house to return to her father’s home or to her own place.
Importantly, being divorced carried no social stigma. Both men and women often remarried and had large families. However, women over 30 faced challenges in remarrying, as they were considered elderly and less likely to bear children. But this didn’t mean they became socially irrelevant. For instance, at Deir el Medina, a group of unattached women, who might have been divorced, unmarried, or possibly even prostitutes, played an uncertain but acknowledged role in society, though the exact nature of their status is not definitively known.
Affairs of the heart, whether in ancient Egypt or the modern world, are often not fully documented. We can piece together aspects of how the ancient Egyptians managed their relationships, attitudes towards sex, and their approach to marriage and divorce. While our understanding is incomplete, the parallels with contemporary life are striking. The ancient Egyptians, much like us, experienced the full spectrum of relationship dynamics: they fell in love, married, and sometimes divorced, highlighting the timelessness of human relationships.
