In ancient Rome, the dynamics of love, sex, and marriage were largely shaped by patriarchal norms. The family was headed by the father, or pater familias, who wielded complete authority over his wife, children, and slaves. This structure was somewhat influenced by Rome’s founding myth of Romulus and Remus, where Romulus, after a fatal dispute with his brother Remus, establishes Rome in 753 BCE.
One pivotal legend, the Rape of the Sabine Women, illustrates these gender dynamics. Following Rome’s founding, the Romans captured women from neighboring tribes, an event symbolized by this story. Hersila, who became Romulus’ wife, is notably depicted advocating for the Roman cause to avoid further bloodshed, urging other women to accept their new reality. While its historical accuracy is debated, this tale mirrors the societal norms of male dominance and female acquiescence in Rome.
The essence of relationships in Rome was broadly characterized by this male-centric view. Although exceptions existed, the prevalent narrative was one of men setting the rules and women conforming. Religion and tradition further reinforced this hierarchy.
Marriage in Rome, especially among the elite, was often seen as a strategic alliance rather than a romantic union, primarily aimed at producing heirs. While poets celebrated romantic love, it was not a typical foundation for marriage. Interestingly, passionate love was frequently linked to affairs outside marriage but likely also played a part in many marital relationships. Romantic love in marriage was more of a rare indulgence than a common reality, depicting a society where marital affection was a luxury, not a given.
What Love Looked Like in Ancient Rome
Ancient Rome did witness instances of romantic love in marriages, as evidenced by personal letters, inscriptions, and epitaphs. However, much of our understanding of love from that era comes through the lens of poets, who often celebrated their amorous adventures, typically extramarital, with women or boys. The renowned poet Catullus, living around 85 to 54 BCE, is a prime example of this.
Catullus is most famous for his 25 poems dedicated to his lover “Lesbia,” a pseudonym for Clodia, the wife of the statesman Quintus Caecilius Metellus Celer, who lived around 100-59 BCE. Clodia and Metellus Celer’s marriage was publicly known to be tumultuous, lacking any semblance of the deep passion she shared with Catullus. In his poetry, Catullus openly expressed profound adoration for Lesbia and dreamt of her leaving her husband to be with him permanently. This contrast between the lack of affection in her marriage and the intense love in her affair with Catullus offers a glimpse into the complex nature of romantic relationships in ancient Rome.
Love we (my Lesbia!) and live we our day,
Catallus, Poem 5 (translated by Sir Richard Francis Burton, 1894)
While all stern sayings crabbed sages say,
At one doit’s value let us price and prize!
The Suns can westward sink again to rise
But we, extinguished once our tiny light,
Perforce shall slumber through one lasting night!
Kiss me a thousand times, then hundred more,
Then thousand others, then a new five-score,
Still other thousand other hundred store.
Last when the sums to many thousands grow,
The tale let’s trouble till no more we know,
Nor envious wight despiteful shall misween us
Knowing how many kisses have been kissed between us.
Catullus’ aspirations for a life with Clodia were ultimately unrealistic, given the societal and legal constraints of ancient Rome. While divorce was socially acceptable and could be initiated by either spouse, it required valid reasons aligned with societal expectations. Typical grounds included infertility of the wife or abuse and neglect by the husband. Adultery was also a legitimate cause for divorce, but a wife involved in an extramarital affair couldn’t use it as a reason to leave her husband. The situation became even more stringent under Augustus Caesar’s rule (27 BCE – 14 CE), who introduced laws on adultery that could have led to severe consequences for both Clodia and her lover, including the possibility of death.
This theme of unfulfilled love, especially with partners who were married or otherwise unavailable, is a recurring motif in Roman poetry. Ovid (43 BCE – 17 CE) is another male poet who echoes similar sentiments in his works.
Contrasting with these male perspectives is the unique voice of Sulpicia, the sole female Roman poet whose work has survived. Sulpicia, the daughter of author and jurist Servius Sulpicius Rufus, diverges from the typical narrative by writing love poems to her boyfriend, referred to as Cerinthus—a likely pseudonym. Despite her family’s disapproval, her poetry is filled with hope and longing for a future with Cerinthus. This distinct female perspective offers a rare insight into the romantic aspirations and challenges faced by women in ancient Rome.
In love’s sweet grasp, I find my heart anew,
A secret flame that burns, yet few may know.
To hide it serves my name, a silent hue,
Yet spoken, it might bring a reputational blow.To Venus, in verse, my soul’s plea I sent,
Her grace received, in my breast love she set.
Her promise kept, now my story’s not pent,
For all to hear, in love’s eternal debt.No words confined for one alone to see,
But spoken free, against the tide I stand.
A mask worn for others, no longer me,
In this true love, my heart makes its grand stand.In love so rare, let tongues wag as they will,
Sulpicia, Poem 1
For in this bond, my soul finds its thrill.
Sulpicia’s later poems reveal a heartbreaking turn in her relationship with Cerinthus, marked by his infidelity. She expresses her anguish and frustration vividly, feeling belittled and comparing herself unfavorably to another woman whom she derogatorily describes as a “low-class whore in her slutty outfit,” while emphasizing her own noble lineage as “Sulpicia, the daughter of Servius” (Poem 4, Harvey 77). This emotional turmoil highlights the personal struggles and societal constraints she faced.
The eventual fate of Sulpicia is shrouded in mystery. However, considering the dominant patriarchal norms of Roman society, it’s plausible that she would have eventually been married off to someone her father deemed suitable. Such an arrangement would align with the broader societal expectations of the time, where women’s romantic desires were often secondary to familial and social considerations. This speculation about Sulpicia’s later life underscores the limited autonomy women had in ancient Rome, particularly in matters of the heart and marriage.
Sex practices
In ancient Rome, the concept of sexual and marital conduct was deeply influenced by the divine examples set by the Dii Consentes, a group of twelve gods, comprising six divine couples. These couples, who were revered and emulated, included:
- Jupiter and Juno
- Neptune and Minerva
- Mars and Venus
- Apollo and Diana
- Vulcan and Vesta
- Mercury and Ceres
Roman religion, being state-sponsored, played a significant role in shaping societal norms and expectations. The mutual relationship between state and religion was such that honoring the gods was seen as essential for the prosperity and well-being of Rome. This belief system extended to personal conduct, particularly in matters of love and marriage.
A notable example of religious influence on societal norms is the institution of the Vestal Virgins. These women, dedicated to serving the goddess Vesta, were required to maintain chastity throughout their service. This practice reflected the broader cultural expectations of female purity and devotion.
The Dii Consentes also reinforced a gendered dynamic in relationships, where male gods enjoyed the liberty of extramarital affairs, whereas their female counterparts did not. This divine model echoed in human society, setting a standard where men often had greater sexual freedom, while women were expected to adhere to stricter codes of fidelity and behavior. This paradigm was a clear reflection of the patriarchal structure that permeated Roman society, influencing the roles and expectations of men and women in their personal and marital lives.
Sexual norms and practices were deeply intertwined with religious and societal structures. Vesta, renowned for her chastity, along with other female deities, exemplified virtue and devotion to their consorts. In contrast, it was deemed “unmanly” for male deities to exhibit similar restraint. This divine model mirrored human societal norms, where men were often expected to engage in extramarital affairs. Such affairs could involve women, young boys, or other men, provided the partners were not freeborn Roman citizens. Roman society did not draw a clear distinction between hetero- and homosexual relations, and sexual activities were generally considered natural, with the primary condition being mutual consent.
Roman festivals like Lupercalia, which celebrated fertility, often featured open expressions of sexuality. Prostitutes, both male and female, held a recognized, albeit low, status in society, akin to that of dancers, actors, gladiators, and singers. They were an accepted part of the social fabric, as natural as any other profession.
However, the state intervened in sexual matters only when societal norms or the status quo were threatened. There were four key areas of concern:
- Castitas: This involved women who had chosen a life of chastity, like the Vestal Virgins. Violating this choice could lead to severe penalties, often death.
- Incestum: This pertained to sexual relations with a family member, freeborn Roman citizen, Vestal Virgin, or anyone who had chosen chastity.
- Raptus: This referred to kidnapping or abduction for sexual purposes, including elopement without a father’s consent.
- Stuprum: This covered rape or sexual misconduct, including extramarital affairs with freeborn Roman citizens.
Outside these constraints, Roman citizens generally had the liberty to engage in various sexual activities. Issues between partners were resolved privately or, in the case of marital disputes, through the temple of Viriplaca on the Palatine Hill. Here, a priestess, serving as a marriage counselor, would hear both sides, often resolving the issue in the husband’s favor.
Respectable social status in Rome was closely linked to adherence to societal norms, particularly marriage. Those who did not fit neatly into this paradigm, like prostitutes, were deemed low-class, highlighting the rigid social hierarchy that defined Roman society.
Marriage Customs
In ancient Rome, marriage practices differed significantly from modern ceremonies, with a focus on legal and societal formalities rather than elaborate rituals. Marriages were only considered legal between two consenting Roman citizens, though “consent” was not always voluntary, especially in arranged marriages. There were three main types of recognized marriages:
- Confarreatio: This patrician marriage, characterized by a ceremony involving the sharing of spelt cake and bread, was also known as a manus marriage. It symbolized the transfer of the bride from her father’s hand to the groom’s.
- Coemptio: A plebeian form of marriage akin to a transaction, where the bride was essentially purchased from her family.
- Usus: Another plebeian marriage recognized through prolonged cohabitation.
The confarreatio ceremony, the most formal of these, began with the reading of omens and decorating the bride’s father’s house with flowers and tapestries. If the omens were favorable, the ceremony would proceed just after sunrise, symbolizing a new beginning for the couple.
At the ceremony, which required ten witnesses for legality but no officiating priest, a matron would join the couple’s hands. The bride would recite a standardized vow: “When and where you are, Gaius, then and there I am, Gaia” (Nardo, 76), signifying her entry into the groom’s household. The couple would then make an offering to Jupiter (or later, Juno), and share a spelt cake, marking the ceremony’s conclusion.
Post-ceremony festivities included congratulations, rituals for luck and happiness, and a grand feast, concluding with guests receiving wedding cake pieces. The celebration often ended with the party escorting the newlyweds to their new home, typically the groom’s father’s house, signifying the bride’s integration into the groom’s family. This process underscores the social and legal nature of Roman marriages, focusing less on romantic sentiment and more on familial and societal obligations.
The Roman wedding ceremony was steeped in symbolism and tradition, with specific rituals to ensure luck and a smooth transition for the bride into her new life. As the bride walked to her new home, she performed a series of symbolic acts:
- Dropping a Coin for Road Spirits: This was an offering to the spirits of the roads, intended to bring luck and a favorable path in her future marriage.
- Giving Two Coins to the Groom: She presented her husband with two coins, one as a personal honor to him and the other to honor the spirits of his home, symbolizing her integration and respect for his household.
The procession to the groom’s house was a festive affair, with the groom throwing nuts and sweets into the crowd. This practice is echoed in modern weddings, where rice is commonly thrown. This reciprocal gesture of scattering treats symbolized the community’s blessings and good wishes for the couple.
Upon reaching the groom’s house, the groom carried the bride over the threshold. This act had multiple interpretations: it could be a remnant of “marriage by capture,” prevent the bride from tripping, or more symbolically, represent her transition from her old life to a new one with her husband. Inside the house, the bride’s first act was to kindle a fire, after being offered fire and water by her husband, signifying her role in the new household.
The legal ages for marriage reflect the Roman views on maturity: girls could marry at 12 and boys at 15, but men often married around 26. This was due to the belief that men aged 15-25 were too driven by passion to make sound judgments. Conversely, girls were considered mature enough for marriage’s responsibilities at a younger age. This age disparity in marriage, based on perceived maturity levels, highlights the differing societal expectations for men and women in ancient Rome.
More Affairs
Final words
Marriage in ancient Rome, while technically monogamous, was a flexible institution in terms of continuity. Divorce carried no stigma and was a relatively common practice, especially during the Empire period (27 BCE – 476 CE), which saw a shift from the earlier norms of the Roman Republic (509-27 BCE). During the Roman Empire, marriage’s popularity waned, leading to a decline in birth rates. This societal shift prompted Emperor Augustus to introduce legislation that encouraged marriage and childbearing, offering privileges to couples who had at least three children.
While marriages in Rome were often more contractual than romantic, this did not preclude the existence of genuine affection and love within these unions. An example of such a loving marriage is noted by Pliny the Younger (61 – c. 113 CE) in a letter to a friend, where he recounts the death of a wife in a cherished marital relationship:
Our friend Macrinus is facing a profound loss. He has been bereaved of his wife, a paragon of virtue… Their marriage lasted thirty-nine harmonious years, free from any disputes or grievances. She always showed immense respect to her husband and undoubtedly earned his respect in return. Her life was a testament to numerous, remarkable virtues at every turn! In his grief, Macrinus finds some comfort in having shared his life with such an exemplary person for so long. Yet, this very fact also deepens his sorrow, as he is acutely aware of the magnitude of his loss.
(Letter 8.5, Harvey, 50)
Despite the patriarchal framework governing marriage in ancient Rome, where men were often anticipated to engage in extramarital affairs, there existed opportunities for sincere and loving bonds between husbands and wives. These relationships were built on a foundation of mutual trust and affection. While women may not have experienced the full extent of equality they deserved, many led fulfilling and contented lives. Often, they found comfort and joy in the love, respect, and admiration offered by their husbands.
