Roman society was intensely patriarchal. At the helm of every household (known as the familia) was the pater familias—the eldest male who wielded near-absolute authority over his wife, children, and slaves. This powerful figure could arrange marriages, demand obedience, and even determine life or death for his dependents. Whether or not every pater familias exercised these powers in daily life, Roman law upheld his capacity to do so.
A famous myth that underscores this patriarchal model is the legend of Rome’s foundation. Romulus and Remus, the twin sons of the war god Mars, quarreled over where to situate the new city. Romulus killed Remus and founded Rome in 753 BCE. Immediately thereafter, we encounter the story of the “Rape of the Sabine Women,” in which Romulus’ male followers seized neighboring Sabine women to secure wives. The Sabine men retaliated, leading to armed conflict, but the Sabine women—led by Hersilia, the wife of Romulus—intervened, asking both parties to reconcile to avoid further bloodshed.
Whether or not these stories reflect literal events, they illustrate a symbolic message: male dominance and female acquiescence. Additionally, Roman religion and tradition fortified this template: men were the lawgivers, and women were taught to be compliant. Over centuries, such myths and religious customs provided cultural support for a strictly patriarchal society.
Marriage in the Roman World
While there were undoubtedly marriages based on mutual affection, Roman elites generally viewed marriage as an economic contract or political alliance rather than a romantic union. Powerful families often arranged marriages to consolidate wealth, forge alliances, or enhance social prestige. In this sense, love was not necessarily a prerequisite, though it could develop within marriage over time.
Key Forms of Roman Marriage
There were three legally recognized forms of marriage in ancient Rome:
- Confarreatio – This was a form of patrician marriage involving a sacred ritual and the sharing of a spelt cake. It was associated with the concept of manus, in which a bride formally passed from the authority of her father to that of her husband. This was the most religiously charged form of marriage, often accompanied by solemn ceremonies.
- Coemptio – Translating roughly to “purchase,” this form was more common among plebeians. It symbolically portrayed the bride as being “bought” or transferred from her family to her husband’s authority, though it was more ceremonial than literal in most cases.
- Usus – This was a form of common-law marriage that occurred simply by a man and a woman living together for a sufficient period (traditionally one year). After that time, they were considered legally married.
Unlike modern weddings with a designated officiant—such as a priest or civil officer—Romans typically conducted weddings at the bride’s home in the morning. Ten witnesses were needed to validate the union, but the religious figures played only a secondary role by offering sacrifices and interpreting omens. A typical ceremony might involve the bride and groom having their hands joined by a matron, the bride uttering a formulaic phrase—often rendered as ubi tu Gaius, ego Gaia (“When you are Gaius, I am Gaia”)—regardless of their actual names, and the couple sharing the spelt cake as an offering to the gods.
Wedding Festivities
After the formalities, a lively wedding feast would ensue. Later in the day, a procession would lead the bride from her family home to the groom’s home. Along the way, the bride might drop coins as offerings to household spirits or minor deities, while the groom sometimes tossed nuts or sweets to the public to spread good fortune. Upon arrival, the groom would lift the bride over the threshold, a symbolic gesture reflecting earlier “bride-capture” traditions or simply to prevent ill-luck if she stumbled. The bride then lit the family hearth fire with coals brought from her old home, signifying the start of a new household.
Age of Marriage
Girls could legally marry as young as twelve, while boys were considered marriageable at fifteen. However, societal norms often meant men typically married later—around their mid-20s—when they were deemed mature enough to manage a household. This chronological difference reinforced the patriarchal power dynamic in marriages, as the husband was frequently older and more financially secure.
Legal Monogamy and Divorce
Roman law mandated monogamy—one spouse at a time—but permitted divorce, often without stigma, provided there was a legitimate reason such as infertility, chronic domestic conflict, or documented mistreatment. During the Republic (509–27 BCE), divorce was rarer due to traditional values. In the Imperial period (27 BCE–476 CE), divorces became more frequent. This shift prompted Emperor Augustus to enact legislation incentivizing marriage and childbirth in hopes of boosting birth rates among the citizen class.
Romantic Love and Poetry
Much of our insight into Roman notions of love comes from poetry, particularly concerning extramarital relationships. Marriages, especially among elites, were typically orchestrated for socio-political reasons, leaving romantic or erotic love to flourish outside official unions. Roman love poets like Catullus and Ovid wrote passionately about their lovers, many of whom were either married or otherwise unattainable.
Catullus and Lesbia
Gaius Valerius Catullus, a 1st-century BCE poet, famously dedicated twenty-five poems to “Lesbia,” a pseudonym believed to represent Clodia, the wife of Quintus Caecilius Metellus Celer. Their affair, by Catullus’ own admission, blazed with intense passion. In his famous Poem 5, he wrote:
“Lesbia, let us live and love,
And pay no heed to what the old men say…
Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more,
Until we lose count, so none can cast the evil eye upon our love.”
Catullus yearned for Clodia to leave her unhappy marriage and remain by his side, but Roman law was unforgiving of female adultery. Men sometimes had more leeway to conduct affairs—especially with slaves or prostitutes—but wives were expected to maintain fidelity. Under Augustus, a husband could legally kill both his wife and her lover if caught in the act of adultery. Divorce was a possible recourse, but a woman who left her husband solely to pursue another man risked severe social and legal repercussions.
Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) followed in Catullus’ footsteps, penning works about love affairs—often with married women—plus advice on seduction. In his Ars Amatoria (The Art of Love), he instructs Roman men on the art of wooing women, including potentially unfaithful ones. Yet Ovid’s playful tone did not shield him from exile by Emperor Augustus, who likely disapproved of the moral freedoms advocated by his poetry.
One of the few surviving female poets from ancient Rome is Sulpicia, daughter of the jurist Servius Sulpicius Rufus. In her verses, she addresses her beloved “Cerinthus,” whom her family found unsuitable. Initially overjoyed and in love, Sulpicia laments discovering Cerinthus’ infidelity. She also alludes to familial pressure to marry a “more appropriate” match, reflecting the male-dominated norms that circumscribed a woman’s autonomy. Sulpicia’s writings thus offer a rare glimpse into the emotional life of an elite Roman woman striving to exercise her own preferences in love.
Sexual Norms and Freedoms
Romans often celebrated male sexuality while expecting women to conform to strict standards of chastity (castitas) and fidelity (pudicitia). Respectable Roman matrons were lauded for virtues such as:
- Castitas (sexual purity, pledged solely to one’s husband)
- Pudicitia (modesty, the internal sense of dignity)
- Caritas (devotion to one’s husband)
- Concordia (harmonious coexistence within marriage)
- Pietas (loyalty to family and the gods)
- Fecunditas (fertility and the ability to bear children)
- Pulchritude (beauty)
- Hilaritas (a cheerful, positive disposition)
- Laetitia (a sense of inner joy)
Men, in contrast, faced far fewer restrictions. Roman mythology and religious practice reinforced this trend: the pantheon, Dii Consentes, featured male gods with multiple lovers (e.g., Jupiter had many affairs) while female goddesses were typically depicted as loyal and virtuous. This divine model extended to mortal conduct: men could enjoy sexual relations with prostitutes or slaves without much moral condemnation, as long as they avoided criminal acts like rape (stuprum when involving a freeborn citizen without consent) or certain sacred vows (like defiling a Vestal Virgin, an act punishable by death).
Broad Tolerance of Sexual Practice
Romans did not conceptualize sexuality along our modern lines of “heterosexual” vs. “homosexual.” Instead, they focused on whether a relationship violated legal or social codes:
- Consent and Status: Did the relationship involve an infringement on a free citizen’s honor? Was it exploitative or non-consensual?
- Sacred Protections: Were either partner bound by vows of chastity (such as a Vestal Virgin)?
- Intrafamilial Offenses: Were the parties closely related, thus risking incestum?
As long as such prohibitions were not breached, Roman law tended to be permissive. Sexual pleasure itself was not viewed as inherently immoral, provided it did not upset the social order.
Prostitution was legal in Rome, involving both male and female sex workers who were taxed by the state. While they occupied a socially stigmatized position alongside entertainers, dancers, and gladiators, they were nonetheless accepted as part of everyday life. Roman men who frequented brothels or had extramarital liaisons with slaves often did so without significant social censure, unlike freeborn women who faced harsh scrutiny for adultery.
Women in Roman Society
Although Roman women lacked rights such as voting and faced legal dependence on a male guardian, they were not wholly powerless. They could, for instance, own or inherit property in certain circumstances—especially if widowed or if their fathers died without male heirs. Some aristocratic women, such as Livia Drusilla (wife of Augustus) and Agrippina the Elder (mother of Emperor Caligula and grandmother of Nero), wielded considerable political influence behind the scenes.
Depending on the husband’s character, a Roman wife’s experience could range from warm and loving to harshly oppressive. In households where husbands respected and cherished their wives, women could live relatively comfortably, supervising household finances, caring for children, and hosting societal gatherings. Nevertheless, the overarching structure remained patriarchal, imposing constraints that often left women vulnerable to their husband’s decisions.
In marriage, sex was traditionally aimed at producing heirs—particularly male heirs to carry on the family line. Within this pragmatic framework, men had social license to find sexual satisfaction beyond the marriage bed. Women, on the other hand, were expected to remain faithful. This disparity stemmed from the emphasis on verifying paternity and safeguarding ancestral lines—a crucial aspect of Roman familial honor.
Divorce and Remarriage
Romans permitted divorce without attaching the intense shame or religious condemnation that many modern societies have historically seen. During the Republican period, it was less frequent, partly due to conservative social values. As the Empire progressed, divorces became more common, influenced by shifts in lifestyle, wealth, and the relaxation of traditional norms.
Legally, either party could initiate a divorce, but the process often hinged upon the male guardian’s (father’s or husband’s) approval. Women with financial means or supportive male relatives could sometimes secure divorces for reasons ranging from abuse to extreme incompatibility. Once divorced, men and women were generally free to remarry, and remarriage was even encouraged if the first union failed to produce children.
By the time of Augustus, the state worried about declining birth rates. Augustus introduced laws that penalized childless adults and rewarded families who produced multiple offspring. Divorce, in theory, allowed individuals who found themselves in infertile or otherwise dysfunctional marriages to seek more fruitful partnerships. Consequently, remarriage became a rational step for many Romans looking to secure heirs and maintain social or political alliances.
Reflection on Love and Marriage in Ancient Rome
Though Roman marriages often served economic or political aims, it would be inaccurate to depict them solely as loveless. Numerous epitaphs and memorials mention deep affection between spouses. The Younger Pliny (Pliny the Younger) wrote letters praising the bond between husbands and wives in his circle, occasionally describing genuine respect, admiration, and grief at a spouse’s passing.
Works by Catullus, Ovid, and Sulpicia—together with personal letters from figures like Pliny the Younger—offer snapshots of how some Romans experienced intense love, heartbreak, and longing. Even in a society that privileged male sexuality and restricted women’s liberties, couples still forged attachments marked by tenderness and mutual devotion. That these sentiments found expression suggests that personal emotions could, at times, transcend social barriers.
Despite these glimmers of romance, the Roman approach to sex and marriage remained pragmatic overall. Adultery by a wife was a legal violation; for a husband, it was more likely to be a manageable social faux pas unless it offended a freeborn woman’s honor. The state’s role often lay in preventing potential chaos—violence, abduction, or threats to the legitimacy of children—rather than in moral policing of private behavior.
Public vs. Private Morality
Roman society might strike modern observers as holding contradictory stances: on one hand, it demanded pudicitia (sexual modesty) and pietas (devotion) from women, while on the other, it countenanced prostitution, concubinage, and extramarital dalliances for men. However, this apparent contrast makes sense within a culture whose primary goal was to protect the honor of freeborn families, ensure clear lines of inheritance, and sustain religious traditions. As long as those priorities remained intact, personal sexual choices were deemed less consequential.
Conclusion
The enduring legacy of love, sex, and marriage in ancient Rome offers a window into a society where patriarchy reigned but did not entirely stifle individual desire. The paternal figure could dictate family decisions, yet Roman women sometimes carved out surprising degrees of influence, whether through managing household affairs or shaping political outcomes from behind the scenes. Although marriage generally served as a social contract to secure lineage and wealth, real affection was hardly absent. Poetry, letters, and artistic depictions reveal that romantic devotion flourished even in spaces constrained by social convention.
Roman legal ideas about divorce and remarriage were more lenient than those of many subsequent cultures, allowing citizens to dissolve unworkable unions and seek new partnerships. Indeed, some modern marital customs—from processional ceremonies and wedding cakes to the idea of spousal consent—trace their lineage back to Roman practices. Emperor Augustus’s policies promoting childbirth also foreshadowed contemporary governments offering family benefits or tax breaks to encourage higher birth rates.
At the same time, gender imbalance remained significant. Women were expected to be paragons of virtue, while men enjoyed far greater sexual freedom. That said, prostitutes of both sexes occupied a recognized legal space, and same-sex relations—even if not specifically labeled as such—were not intrinsically demonized so long as they didn’t violate social hierarchies or sacred vows.
Ultimately, these Roman beliefs and legal constructs remind us of the complex interplay between social necessity, legal frameworks, and human passion. Across two millennia, civilizations have adopted, adapted, or entirely rejected aspects of Roman marital and sexual customs. Yet the Roman experience lingers on in Western legal codes, wedding traditions, and moral debates about individual freedom vs. communal order. Their world was one of contracts and alliances, ceremony and spectacle, passion and control—a reflection of humanity’s unending struggle to reconcile duty with desire.
Perhaps the greatest lesson from ancient Rome is that even amidst rigid societal structures, love finds ways to surface. From the dramatic poetry of Catullus and Ovid to the reflective prose of Sulpicia, the Romans left behind a record that resonates: love can be wild, complicated, and deeply fulfilling, regardless of societal constraints. Indeed, in every age, people endeavor to “follow their heart,” even if it means pushing against the boundaries imposed by culture and law. That resilience—an unquenchable longing for true connection—remains as timeless as Rome itself.
